Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Flame

My sister is making a video of my mom. Just pictures and stuff. While discussing it, she asked what song she should use. 

 Instantly the song 'The Flame' by Cheap Trick popped into my head. All throughout my childhood, I can vividly recall my mom listening to that song over and over. 

 I remember waking up one night and went searching for my mom. I found her sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, sobbing quietly. The Flame was playing in the background. 

 I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I didn't think to comfort her or ask if she was ok. As a child, I just told her I couldn't sleep and she sent me back off to bed. 

 Now as an adult, I often wonder about that. I wonder who she was crying over. A lost love maybe.. 

My mom divorced my dad before I was even born. All my life I never really knew her to have anyone special. She just raised all eight of us kids on her own. 

 I never really gave it much thought. Not until I became a woman myself. Then I began to wonder how lonely my mom must've been. How much she sacrificed to raise us. How much she gave up. 

Then I heard that song and now that I was an adult, I listened to the words and my heart ached. It ached for my mom. For all that she gave up. For the happiness she could've had. For the companionship she never got. 

 I shed tears myself. I wish I had hugged my mom that night I found her crying alone. I wish I had asked her if she was ok. I know she wouldn't have told me what was truly causing her tears, but I still wish I had asked. 

Even today, when I hear that song, it takes me back to my childhood. To that night. And I still ache for my mother. For the lost love her heart was yearning for. 

"Another night slowly closes in
And I feel so lonely
Touching heat freezing on my skin
I pretend you still hold me
I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep
I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you
I can't believe you're gone
You were the first, you'll be the last"

I wish my mom had a chance to fall in love again. I wish she could be romanced and pampered by the man of her dreams.. But I know she won't. Her time left on Earth is short and that breaks my heart to pieces.