That's been on my mind quite a bit lately. Especially with Father's Day coming up in a couple weeks, and with the issues with my mom, who was forced to be a dad and a mom to me.
My mom divorced my dad when she was pregnant with me. I only saw him a few times as a child. He moved on and found a new family.
When I was 12, my father took a sudden interest in me. A man that had never cared for me before, suddenly wanted me around him.
I was thrilled. In my young mind, I thought my dad loved me and wanted me around him so we could bond.
Little did I know, I was about to experience the worst emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse imaginable.
I ask myself now, why did I allow it to continue for so long? Why didn't I tell someone sooner? Why did his acceptance mean so much to me?
I wish I knew the answers to that. Even now, I do not.
I do know what he put me through made me the type of person I am now.
Abusing someone, or even an animal, is not in me. I can't even say cruel things to anyone. I know first hand how badly it hurts. Instead, I try to always show kindness. To show love. To show acceptance.
As some of you know, I write poetry as well. Below you'll find a poem I wrote for my father. Writing is the only release I have. It's what kept me from going insane.
"How dare you help create me, and then just walk out on me?
Never once did you try to make me a part of your new family.
Instead I was an outcast, I was never good enough.
I could never please you, never earn your fatherly love.
But your hatred and resentment was as clear as the light of day.
I saw in your eyes every single time you looked my way.
I felt it with the beatings you felt I so richly deserved.
It was in your voice every time you ever uttered a word.
Yet I was desperate for your love, for your acceptance of me.
But your heart held no love..it was dark , cold and empty.
Instead of allowing your cruelty to turn me into a person like you,
I became better, I'm able to love..which was more than you could ever do. "