Thursday, May 22, 2014

As My Heart Breaks

My mom has colon cancer. It was not caught in time. My sister wrote me last Sunday to break the news to me. 

 I live about 4 hours away from my mom, in another state. As soon as I heard the news, I wanted to run to her. She was still in the ER when I found out the news. Out of my 7 siblings, 5 of them live really close to her. I called everyone. All anyone knew is that my mom was in the hospital and had been told she has colon cancer. 
 I was waiting to see what they were going to do with her before I figured out when I should go to her. They were discussing sending her to a cancer center. 

 Then my brother called me to tell me my mom was signing herself out of the hospital. I couldn't understand it! She was going home. The Dr told her they needed to do surgery immediately and were even going to try chemo. My mom just walked away from it all. She simply went home. 

 I was mad. Hurt. Angry. Worried. Scared. 

 How much time did she have? Why wasn't she willing to at least try to get treatment? Wasn't she worried about dying? Wasn't she sad at the thought of leaving all 8 of us kids? 

 Yeah, we are all grown. But I'm still not ready to let my mom go. I'm 37 years old and still tell my mom good morning and good night every single night. 

 The thought of not waking up and talking to her every day, is literally hurting my heart. 

 My mom refuses to discuss it with anyone. If you even mention it to her, she will stop talking to you. 

 It's as if she expects us to pretend as if nothing is happening. 

 Every time I talk to her, I cry. I just don't know if it will be the last time I hear her voice. I know when I do go visit her, it will be the last time I get to hug her, to kiss her. 

 She doesn't want any of us to mention chemo or surgery to her. She has an estimated 2 months to live. 

I wish I could somehow find a way to convince her to fight for her life. But I guess she's been in pain and suffering for so long, maybe she just wants the pain to end. 

 I just don't think I will ever be able to come to terms with it. 


  1. I am so sorry Chastity for the pain you are going through right now.

    It is a lot for your mom to take in and maybe she needs some time to just absorb.

    I've dealt with patients who told me from the get go if it's cancer that they weren't going to do anything but then a close friend, family member talks to them and they change their mind.

    Here's hoping that she finds the fight in her!

    Light & love your way.

  2. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I will keep you all in my prayers. Sending Love and prayers.
    Steel Workers Wife

  3. So sorry to hear about your mom. Sending lots of prayers for you and your family!! HUGS