Sunday Confessions: Resilience

 Resilience is inside all of us.  Even when something unimaginable happens and you feel like it will absolutely break you, somehow you will bounce back from it. 

No matter how many times your heart gets broke, most of us will still mend it and be ready to love again. 

No matter how many times people let you down and disappoint you, most of us will be willing to trust others again. 

No matter how many times people show you their worst side, most of us will still believe there is good left in them. 

It's amazing when you think about just how resilient a human is. We can  bounce back from nearly anything. 

 I've experienced a lot of horror in my life and even when I think I am emotionally bent to my breaking point, somehow I come back from it. 

 I come back stronger. I'm better prepared for the next time something  happens. I'm resilient. 

Sunday Confessions: Rejection

 Today's topic is about rejection and although I have experienced a lot of that in my life, the one person that rejected me and hurt me the most, was my father. 

That's been on my mind quite a bit lately. Especially with Father's Day coming up in a couple weeks, and with the issues with my mom, who was forced to be a dad and a mom to me. 

My mom divorced my dad when she was pregnant with me. I only saw him a few times as a child. He moved on and found a new family. 

 When I was 12, my father took a sudden interest in me. A man that had never cared for me before, suddenly wanted me around him. 

 I was thrilled. In my young mind, I thought my dad loved me and wanted me around him so we could bond. 

Little did I know, I was about to experience the worst emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse imaginable. 

I ask myself now, why did I allow it to continue for so long? Why didn't I tell someone sooner? Why did his acceptance mean so much to me? 

I wish I knew the answers to that. Even now, I do not. 

I do know what he put me through made me the type of person I am now. 

 Abusing someone, or even an animal, is not in me. I can't even say cruel things to anyone. I know first hand how badly it hurts. Instead, I try to always show kindness. To show love. To show acceptance. 

As some of you know, I write poetry as well. Below you'll find a poem I wrote for my father. Writing is the only release I have. It's what kept me from going insane. 

"How dare you help create me, and then just walk out on me?

Never once did you try to make me a part of your new family. 

Instead I was an outcast, I was never good enough. 

I could never please you, never earn your fatherly love. 

But your hatred and resentment was as clear as the light of day. 

I saw in your eyes every single time you looked my way. 

I felt it with the beatings you felt I so richly deserved. 

It was in your voice every time you ever uttered a word. 

Yet  I was desperate for your love, for your acceptance of me. 

But your heart held no love..it was dark , cold and empty. 

Instead of allowing your cruelty to turn me into a person like you, 

I became better, I'm able to love..which was more than you could ever do. "

I will end my post with this: Rejection hurts. I don't care who you are or how old you are, it's painful and it's tough to deal with. 

The Flame

My sister is making a video of my mom. Just pictures and stuff. While discussing it, she asked what song she should use. 

 Instantly the song 'The Flame' by Cheap Trick popped into my head. All throughout my childhood, I can vividly recall my mom listening to that song over and over. 

 I remember waking up one night and went searching for my mom. I found her sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, sobbing quietly. The Flame was playing in the background. 

 I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I didn't think to comfort her or ask if she was ok. As a child, I just told her I couldn't sleep and she sent me back off to bed. 

 Now as an adult, I often wonder about that. I wonder who she was crying over. A lost love maybe.. 

My mom divorced my dad before I was even born. All my life I never really knew her to have anyone special. She just raised all eight of us kids on her own. 

 I never really gave it much thought. Not until I became a woman myself. Then I began to wonder how lonely my mom must've been. How much she sacrificed to raise us. How much she gave up. 

Then I heard that song and now that I was an adult, I listened to the words and my heart ached. It ached for my mom. For all that she gave up. For the happiness she could've had. For the companionship she never got. 

 I shed tears myself. I wish I had hugged my mom that night I found her crying alone. I wish I had asked her if she was ok. I know she wouldn't have told me what was truly causing her tears, but I still wish I had asked. 

Even today, when I hear that song, it takes me back to my childhood. To that night. And I still ache for my mother. For the lost love her heart was yearning for. 

"Another night slowly closes in

And I feel so lonely

Touching heat freezing on my skin

I pretend you still hold me

I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep

I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you

I can't believe you're gone

You were the first, you'll be the last"

I wish my mom had a chance to fall in love again. I wish she could be romanced and pampered by the man of her dreams.. But I know she won't. Her time left on Earth is short and that breaks my heart to pieces. 

Sunday Confessions: Friendship

Sunday Confessions: Friendship

 I can't say I have a lot of close friends, because I do not. I'm a private person and prefer to keep my circle small. But I do have a few. 

 I have my little sister, my boyfriend and my mom. As most of you know that read my last blog post, my mother is dying. 

 I guess I still can't wrap my mind around it. I can't understand her decision to not seek help and at least try to save her life. As much as I want her to live, it will not make her do so. 

Her friendship means so much to me. I literally talked to her every single day. I say "talked" because since we found out about her illness, she has nearly stopped all communication with me and my sister. I guess she got tired of hearing us beg and plead with her to get help. 

 I'm not one of those people that suddenly cares about someone once they find out their dying and then claim that the said person was their "best friend". 

 My mom truly is. She listened to every complaint I had, allowed me to vent, and I did the same for her. 

 My mornings would start with a good morning text from my mom and then followed up with an hour long phone call soon after. I told her I love her every day and she told me. 

 I'm not sure what I will do once she's gone. And it crushes me every time I think about it. It's like a horrible, painful waiting game and it's killing me. I wonder every day if it will be her last. I stay in a near panic, dreading the news that I know will surely come. 

The loss of her constant friendship will devastate me. I don't know what I will do without it. I honestly don't. 

Her love and friendship has made me into the woman I am today. It has taught me to cherish every second you do have with your friends and family.

 Don't waste a second of your time. Make it all count. 

 

As My Heart Breaks

My mom has colon cancer. It was not caught in time. My sister wrote me last Sunday to break the news to me. 

 I live about 4 hours away from my mom, in another state. As soon as I heard the news, I wanted to run to her. She was still in the ER when I found out the news. Out of my 7 siblings, 5 of them live really close to her. I called everyone. All anyone knew is that my mom was in the hospital and had been told she has colon cancer. 

 

 I was waiting to see what they were going to do with her before I figured out when I should go to her. They were discussing sending her to a cancer center. 

 Then my brother called me to tell me my mom was signing herself out of the hospital. I couldn't understand it! She was going home. The Dr told her they needed to do surgery immediately and were even going to try chemo. My mom just walked away from it all. She simply went home. 

 I was mad. Hurt. Angry. Worried. Scared. 

 How much time did she have? Why wasn't she willing to at least try to get treatment? Wasn't she worried about dying? Wasn't she sad at the thought of leaving all 8 of us kids? 

 Yeah, we are all grown. But I'm still not ready to let my mom go. I'm 37 years old and still tell my mom good morning and good night every single night. 

 The thought of not waking up and talking to her every day, is literally hurting my heart. 

 My mom refuses to discuss it with anyone. If you even mention it to her, she will stop talking to you. 

 It's as if she expects us to pretend as if nothing is happening. 

 Every time I talk to her, I cry. I just don't know if it will be the last time I hear her voice. I know when I do go visit her, it will be the last time I get to hug her, to kiss her. 

 She doesn't want any of us to mention chemo or surgery to her. She has an estimated 2 months to live. 

I wish I could somehow find a way to convince her to fight for her life. But I guess she's been in pain and suffering for so long, maybe she just wants the pain to end. 

 I just don't think I will ever be able to come to terms with it. 

Sunday Confessions: Pet Peeves

 Today's topic is pet peeves, and although I have many, my number one pet peeve is parents that don't correct their kids when they are rude. 

 Here's a prime example: 

We took Mini to a children's museum yesterday. She was playing in one of the play areas, when a boy walked up and took the toy she had right out of her hand. I glanced to his mother, who was standing nearby staring right at him and Mini. I waited for her to correct his behavior and tell him that he was being rude, but she never uttered a word. She just stood there with a blank look on her face. 

 I took it upon myself to intervene and correct him. Was it my place to do so? Maybe not. But I wasn't about to stand by and do nothing. 

He ended up waking away and finding another toy. I don't really blame the kids when they are that young. He only looked to be around 4 or 5 years old. I blame the parents. Especially when they are STANDING RIGHT THERE. 

I wish that was the only example I had of a parent failing at teaching proper behavior, sadly it's not. I've encountered it more than I care to admit. 

It never ceases to amaze me either. And it never ceases to get under my skin. 

Warp Speed Wednesday: Days

  For Warp Speed Wednesday I decided to write about my days. Sometimes I just find myself going through the motions of the day, without really taking the time to enjoy it. 

  Please tell me I'm not the only one that does this. 

  You know those days I'm talking about. You wake up exhausted, simply trying to get through the day so you can attempt to get more sleep. 

  I find myself trying desperately to catch up on the sleep I do not get, and forgetting I am missing out on some pretty awesome stuff. 

  Mini will not be small forever. Too soon she will grow and be more independent. She won't want to spend all her waking moments with me. She will go to school and make friends. 

  I don't want to pass up these days, these moments, with her because I'm so focused on getting some rest. 

  There will be plenty of time for rest later. Time to slow down and enjoy the day.