Day and Night: My Battle With Depression

  With the death of a comedic icon, everyone is bringing up depression. It is sad to see someone lose their battle, but sadly I can relate. 

  Depression is not new to me. I've struggled with it since I was in my teens. It only worsened as I grew older. 

  I watched as everyone around me laughed and enjoyed life, while I forced myself to just get out of bed. 

  When I was 14, I attempted to take my life for the first time. This was for a number of reasons. One was depression and another was to escape the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. 

   At the age of 29, I tried again. This time, I came so much closer. I was almost there. But my sister in law found me and called for help. 

  Once paramedics arrived, I pleaded with them to just let me die. I honestly didn't want to go on. I wanted my pain to end. I refused to go with them. I could feel the overdose of sleeping pills I had taken pulling my under. 

  They had the sheriff come and threaten me with jail if I didn't go along with them to the ER. My response.."Take me to jail. I'm already in my own prison anyhow". 

  The pleas from my family dumped guilt on me that I couldn't cope with, so I went. Needless to say, I was admitted to the psych ward by my family after having my stomach pumped. 

  I was there an entire week. I told them what they wanted to hear so I could get out of there. I didn't belong there with those nut jobs. That's how I thought at the time. I wasn't crazy. I just wanted to die. Why wouldn't they just let me die?! 

  When I left the hospital a week later, I reluctantly found a therapist. An amazing therapist. She saw beyond my wall. She "got" me. I began writing again after she encouraged me to write down my feelings. Poetry poured out of me in huge waves. This is the first one I wrote after that: 

"Day and Night

In the light of day..

Insecurity is my only companion.

Heartache is the only emotion I know.

Fears and worries are constant thoughts,

Pain consumes my very soul.

In the light of day..

My every flaw is put up on display.

Shame surrounds me like a thick quilt.

Embarrassment trails my every move,

Never allowing me to forget my guilt.

In the light of day..

Every sin of mine is plain to see.

Rays of light point out every single one.

Disgust filled eyes follow me always.

Finding me no matter where I try to run.

In the darkness of night..

Courage is a dear friend of mine.

Happiness surrounds me like a halo.

Here, pain and fear can't find me.

Bravery is the only emotion I know.

In the darkness of night..

Flaws no longer cause me shame.

Proudly I show them for all to see.

Here, they don't make me different.

They simply make me unique.

In the darkness of night..

Sins don't make up the person I am.

They are but scars from battles lost and won.

Here, in the night, I'm safe and I'm free.

Here, I will never again have to run."

  When I showed that to her, she hugged me. She understood it like no one else could. 

  I still struggle with depression, though I have a better understanding of it now. I cope with it better now. 

  

  

  

  I share my story in the hopes it will help someone else share theirs. If it seems you have no one to listen, remember I always will.