Sunday Confessions:Forget

  What comes to mind when you think of the word forget? As for me, many things come to mind. 

  The one that stands out the most, is the fact that I've gotten to that age where I forget everything. I literally forgot my own age. Seriously. I had to count back from the year I was born. That's sad, I know.

   I couldn't remember if I was 37 going on 38, or if I was going to be turning 37 on my next birthday. 

   I'm not sure if it's a combination of motherhood and age, or just my age. 

   It seems like the instant I hit 35, my memory ran away. It not only ran away, it hasn't returned since. 

   I'm always forgetting what day of the week it is. I use my calendar on my iPod more than I do anything else. 

   I left my house once and forgot my shoes. That's even more sad than forgetting my age. What makes it even worse, I didn't even notice for ten minutes. I had to walk all way back with my head hung in shame to retrieve them. 

   I guess you can blame that on growing up in the South. Growing up, we only wore shoes when we went to school or out somewhere. 

   To top off this beautiful platter of memory loss, my boyfriend has the worst memory around. He is no help whatsoever. He expects me to remember stuff for him! 

   It's almost like he's forgotten that I forget EVERYTHING. 

   I'm constantly checking burners to make sure I turned them off only minutes before. I can never remember. Ever. 

   I'm worried one day I'll forget my own name. If I do, someone please remind me that it's Chasity. 

  And now I have forgotten where I was going with this post... 

Dear Mom.

Dear Mom, 

 I'm writing this because some things are just so hard to say. 

When ever I try to speak, my tears always get in the way. 

I'm really not sure where to even start. 

I guess I should begin by saying, I love you with all of my heart. 

The thought of not having you.. it rips me in two. 

I'm just not ready to let go of you. 

But that seems so selfish for me to even say. 

Because I can't imagine how you must feel day to day. 

Every time I hear you cry, it's like a part of me is dying inside. 

I nearly choke on my anguish, and I want to run and hide. 

I don't want to face what I know is surely to come in time. 

I don't want to even picture you gone from my life. 

If I could somehow take away the pain you feel every day, 

I'd do it in an instant.. I would make it all go away. 

If I could heal you with my love, I'd do that too. 

If I could take away your fears, I'd take them all from you. 

Every day I wonder, is this it? Is the day my life will change? 

That's always in my mind, and it's driving me insane. 

But this shouldn't be all about me, it should be about you. 

I just never know  what to say, I don't know what to do. 

I want to lay my head on your chest, and hear you say it's all right. 

I want to scream and yell for you to not give up! To please fight! 

I can't even fully express how badly I hurt for you all the time. 

Even now I am blinded by tears, it seems like I'm always crying. 

I don't know how you do it, mom. You are the strongest woman I know. 

Through out all of this, you've hardly let your fear show. 

I can't begin to understand the decisions you've been forced to make. 

I can't comprehend the hurt you must feel, the fear or the pain. 

But what I do know, is that you mean the world to me. 

And without you here, my heart will feel empty. 

I'm sorry mom, for all the stupid things I said as a kid. 

I'm sorry for any pain I ever caused, any bad thing I ever did. 

But mostly, I'm sorry I can't help you now.. I can't change all this. 

I can't stop time, turn it back, or erase it all with a wish. 

I just want you to know one last thing, before I bring this to an end. 

You are not just a mother to me, you're also my best friend. 

I hope you never feel alone, because you are not. 

Even hundreds of miles away, I'm right there.. In your heart. 

 

                             Love, 

                           Chasity 

Sunday Confessions: Without

Without.. That's a word that could take this post anywhere.

 It could lead to funny conversations, like the time I left home without my shoes and didn't even notice for nearly ten minutes. 

It could lead to deep conversations, like how I'd be lost without my family. 

But instead, I'm going to write about me without caffeine. 

How can I best describe me without caffeine? Hmmm. Let me put it this way. I'm a bitch. A total bitch. I'm grumpy. Moody. I'll rip your head off over the least little thing. 

Let's say you breath too loudly around me. I will look so deeply into your eyes, with an evil look, and curse your very ancestors for creating you. I will practically breath fire at you. Burning you to cinders. 

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away. But you get my point. Me without caffeine is not a pretty picture. 

I'm hooked. I'm an addict. A caffeine junkie. Is there rehab for caffeine addictions? No? Good! Because I don't want to be cured! 

Stripper, my boyfriend,  often harasses me over my caffeine addiction. My reply to him, "Caffeine is my ONLY weakness! I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs! I could be addicted to much worse stuff! Let me enjoy this, dammit!" 

Rise, all my fellow caffeine addicts! Let's rejoice! Then let's enjoy a tall glass of whatever your caffeine preference is. Mine is Coca Cola. 

Excuse me while I go open a cold can of happiness.